why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
