The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
