yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
