did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
