Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
