She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
