What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I need a beard to bite.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
