Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
