if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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