I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
