I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
