nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
it's great music for shaving your balls
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
