I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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