omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
