There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
