I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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