he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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