I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
