The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
