i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
