I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
50% drunk capacity currently
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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