you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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