I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
