I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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