Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
