Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
