I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
