why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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