My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i dont even know how to be here
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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