I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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