My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
