My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
I deserve this hangover.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours