I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
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How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
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I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now