My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
