Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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