i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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