I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
