Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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