if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He shit in the fireplace
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
