I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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