I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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