I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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