Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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