My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
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i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
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He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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