Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
