Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
