Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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