If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
