Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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