Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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