We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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