i just sent this text using only my big toe
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
