Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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