I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
